I See Your True Colours
“You with the sad eyes, don’t be discouraged, Oh I realise it’s hard to take courage, in a world full of people, you can lose sight of it all, the darkness inside can make you feel so small”
– Cyndi Lauper.
I see your true colours
I’ve been there – hiding in a corner feeling less than good enough, and not wanting to worry anyone with my concerns. Putting on a brave face to everyone else, then breaking down in the bathroom or laundry room where no-one would see me.
With two toddlers, I didn’t have time or capacity to deal with the deaths of my 3 Grandparents one after another, two of whom had effectively been my parents. So, I just buried the pain inside me when I felt the tears coming, pushing them down on top of all the other hurts, sleights, and frustrations of my past and current life.
Worrying about others more than myself, concerned for our future as I and my husband navigated running a business and a family, together but so often mentally on different shores, both doing the best we could to stay afloat. And slowly I began to criticise myself more and more for my perceived (and let’s be honest, sometimes real!) shortcomings until it came to a point when I wondered whether I even deserved my own life. My privileged, fortunate life with two beautiful children, a loving and responsible husband and a lovely family home near the sea. I didn’t deserve it, couldn’t cope with it all and my family deserved someone better to take care of them.
So, I used emotional sticking plasters to hide the pain – bought lots of kids clothes and toys to brighten MY life as much as the children’s, even though I didn’t get my hair cut for 5 years, because my needs didn’t count. Had tea with the boy’s late afternoon, and a ready meal dinner with wine and candlelight when my husband came home late evening. Ate chocolate, biscuits and sweets along with the kids and probably when they weren’t looking as well. Hated myself at Christmas and birthdays when Hubby or Sis wanted to buy me something nice to wear but I felt too big to look good in anything.
Professional help is not for me
The thought of getting professional help occasionally crossed my mind, but I thought I couldn’t afford it, and so spent more money on the sticking plasters instead.
I wish I’d known back then that I wasn’t the awful, weak person I thought I was. That I was the best person to take care of my family, no-one could care for them like me because no-one else was their Mum. That my husband would continue to love me even if I wasn’t perfect. That all the mistakes I made, all the suffering I felt, was as a result of putting me last, and of mental programming from my past, not what was happening in the here and now. That I was the leader of my family – everyone loved and needed me.
That if I’d sought professional help, it would be more affordable than I imagined and reap so many benefits for myself and my family. I wish I knew that when I did, it would completely change my life view, my feelings, my experience of life for the better. And that one day, I’d be able to help others do the same with my Coaching.
When I look at a new Coaching Client, I don’t see the faults they see, the mistakes they’ve made, their supposed shortcomings. I don’t judge them, for I know that they are doing the best they can to survive in their own unique struggles.
You are beautiful
I see a beautiful soul who has suffered and is ready to release that suffering, one step at a time, to learn to accept who they are and to plan a brighter and better future for themselves and their loved ones. I see a wonderful human being who was born to make the world a better place, just by being there. I see and sense your potential to make a difference in the world. I see your True Colours, and I celebrate them.
Does this sound familiar?
If this story resonates with you and you would like to begin your journey towards discovering your True Colours, please contact me for a complementary chat and trial coaching session.